last chapter

So this is the end of our journey...I don't know how I got to this blog again today, but I read it once again with tears in my eyes. I felt like the person who wrote those words was a different person. So many things changed since then. At least I am sure I am not the same.

I remember the day when you gave me this idea, to collect all our memories of these unforgettable moments in a blog. We wanted to keep every minute, every thought and make them live forever. Somehow it didn’t work, well, you said you can’t add any comment, cause you would have to write it under your real name as in the email address...Since it would be too risky, we finally gave up the idea of writing. But maybe it turned out for good, actually some things are better if you carry them in your head all the time, and some are just meant to fly away. Some are comming back in your dreams when least expected and make you smile all day, and some will be waking you up at night or won't let you sleep at all...

Reading this blog reminded me about one important thing - my feelings from that time...

I was sad, I was confused, but I truly believed that you would always be honest, and I can count on your sincerity. It was giving me strength, the power to smile even when I was down.

I remember the doubts that appeared when you first said your relationship with her was just on paper, but it turned out that the reality was different, at least for her.....I ignored the first sign...then I was wishing to be able to forget the time when you lied straight into my eyes about going to Berlin, while you went to meet with her...then when you convinced me you never even told that you love her, but actually you did. How you were telling me her things belong to someone else... I wish I wasn't left here alone when you had to go to England.  I wish it all never happened and I didnt have had to fight with my own mind telling me to stop trusting you.

I lost that battle...I couldnt go on and tell myself that with us it will be different . I couldn't feel safe if I was hearing one thing and seeing another; after watching your choices and learning that you consider lying (or hiding the truth) as a method of solving problems. It is giving me some idea about your values…about you as a future partner and a human being. It looks like you are afraid to face with problems and look for a real solution if you would have to sacrifice something or simply admit, that you made a mistake. Instead you prefer to escape, hide behind your words, that  are only a tool to get what you want.

I guess you thought that as long as I am not aware of all the facts, we will continue to play the game on your rules. That you will keep the control by deciding what I should and what I shouldn't know...but this time you tried it with wrong person, so I want you to know that giving me only half-truths and hiding things that might "hurt me" is offensive to my intelligence and hurts even more. Not to mention how far away it is from showing respect and being a partner that I can rely on, a partner that I need and deserve.

I didn’t understand how you can love me and let me feel this way...Still, I couldnt just give up and walk away, I still had hope that something will happen, you'll understand that this cannot continue like this, that being together will be what you want the most in the world, that you’ll see how much I love you and that I want to give you everything you need. That in return you will save me from this suffer and we'll find other way out....

I can't count the times when I was trying to convince myself that this is just a temporary state, but as the situation was getting more complicated, it was more and more difficult to find any excuse to go on like this. First I was asking you to be honest with her, but you refused, so then I wanted you to be honest with me…In the end you were not honest either with me or with her. It made me think that I should be careful and keep the distance not to I won’t get hurt. It was the only way to feel safe, but it was also the way to kill the most important feeling between us. As a result, I was getting away from you and at the same time I was jealous to see you being close with other people. From your perspective it looked like I am jealous about the time that you are spending with you friends (or even about your friends themselves), but I was actually jealous of all the things that I didn’t know about you. The other thing is that I was afraid I will never be able to be so close to you and that was making me scared about the future. I wanted to change this, and try to trust you again. That is why I was asking you to promise that you'll be always honest with me. But you are right, it wouldn't change anything, because I learned well, that words are not enough.

One more thing - can you imagine being jealous when you are certain about someone and about your situation? Because I don't. In fact, I was never a jealous person. It is another change that I observed in me. I am not myself this way and it makes me feel bad. That's why I also don't want someone to be with me when I am like this. I want to give what’s best in me and I have a lot to offer. But I also have my expectations and if I would agree on less than I can get, I would be unhappy for the rest of my life.

It's easy to judge someone's behaviors without looking at reasons behind them. I know your reasons for keeping things as they are - you have full right to do what you want and to make your own choices. But I hope that now you also understand my reasons to disagree with doing things your way. We reached the point where our ways cannot meet anymore. This is where our travel has to end.

the influence

I have to admit that I am suprised...I think I'm doing quite well considering the current circumstances. I guess your call and sms helped me not to lose my senses in thinking that she is there and you guys are spending so much time together. One though that came to my mind today- would I like to be on her place right now? She is there, she can just stretch out her arm and reach you, look into your eyes, hold you... But  would I really like to be on her place? Honestly, it's the worse thing I can imagine. To love someone and probably hoping that this love one day will be reciprocal, without knowing if this will ever come true. You say she loves you without expectations. But you know from your own case, that it's only your tongue saying about not having expectations. Unfortunately heart knows better and it's difficult to make it change.

They say you can't choose how you feel, but you can always do something for yourself. I actually think there are plenty of things that can make you improve (or to spoil) your mood, cause all the power that is necessary to do it is inside you. It's not healthy to worry or stress about the things we have no influence on. But we do have influence on how we feel.

So today I will try to think about the best moments we spent together, about how we met and how wonderfully and quickly time passes when you're with me. And tomorrow I will think about all the plans we made for the next weekend and try to endure till monday morning without huging you before sleep. I will enjoy that little piece of you that I carry around in my heart everywhere I go.

Chapter one

jest 8.30 rano, nie śpię chyba już od godziny, aż w końcu budzik nieśmiało oznajmia, że pora podnieść się z łóżka...Za oknem jest jakieś 12 stopni poniżej zera, powtór leży obok, śpi mocno wtulony w pościel i w moje  ramiona. Jest nieświadomy tego, że pocałunkiem próbuję wybudzić go ze snu, tak żeby dotyk moich ust na jego policzku był pierwszym doznaniem, jakie poczuje. Śpi mocno, więc nie chcę go wyrywać z tego słodkiego stanu. Delikatnie wysuwam rękę spod jego karku, wtedy on przewraca się na drugi bok i chowa głowę pod kołdrą. Chciałabym tak leżeć koło niego cały poranek, ale wreszcie zmuszam się do tego, by wstać i idę zmyć pozostałości wczorajszego makijażu.

Gdy wracam, widzę tylko jego splecione stopy wystające spod bawełnianej pościeli. Ten widok sprawia, że przez chwilę stoję nad łóżkiem i gapię się na ten jedyny widoczny w tej chwili fragment jego ciała z niedowierzaniem. Czy kiedykolwiek myślałam, że zobaczę obiekt moich westchnień i fantazji, główny temat mojego półrocznego marudzenia i wychwalania a zarazem źródło wewnętrznych sporów i niepewności w moim domu? W moim łóżku? Nie, nie myślałam. Dalej wydaje mi się to niewiarygodne. Ale bardzo dobrze mi z tym, że mogę przez chwilę beztrosko stać i napawać się tym uczuciem, które daje mi sam jego widok.

Patrzę na zegarek, dochodzi 9.00. Jeszcze raz staram się jak najdelikatniej przywitać go tego poranka, całuję jego powieki i policzki. Widzę jak powoli otwiera oczy...

-Kochanie... pora wstawać, już dziewiąta

Jego źrenice rozszerzają się momentalnie.

-Nie zdążę. Czemu nie obudziłaś mnie wcześniej?

-Budziłam...

-I co powiedziałem?

-Nic.

Zrywa się i w pośpiechu ubiera spodnie. Proponuję by wypił coś ciepłego przed wyjściem, ale wystarcza mu tylko obrana przeze mnie mandarynka. Ubiera kurtkę i buty. Żegnamy się w drzwiach, gdzie czule przytula mnie czekając na windę. Z uśmiechem życzy mi udanego dnia, jednak ja jakoś nie mogę znaleźć odwagi by życzyć mu tego samego.

-To nie będzie udany dzień. Ani udany weekend.

-Dlaczego?

-...

Widzę zniecierpliwienie na jego twarzy.

-Daj spokój, nie myśl o tym, następny weekend spędzimy razem.

Ta wizja pozwala mi trochę odsunąć na bok moje obawy i uśmiecham się do niego. Zanim winda zdąży odjechać, całuje mnie jeszcze dwa razy.

Zza zamkniętych drzwi szeptem życzę mu powodzenia i pomyślnego załatwienia sprawy w banku.

Przez najbliższe trzy dni muszę wytrzymać ze świadomością, że nie możemy się spotkać, bo właśnie w ten weekend przyjeżdża jego żona.